Best Sex You’ve Never Had

December 10, 2009 | By admin In Uncategorized |

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You’d think the more time you spend sleeping with the same man, the more adventurous you’d both get. But the sexual landscape of most relationships actually shrinks as comfort sets in. According to experts, changes begin between two months and two years in – when you start seeing other sides of your partner. By this point you’ve discovered his penchant for watching Babylon 5 in his Y-fronts, and he’s seen how you wind up after one too many chardonnays. Neither are pretty, and both can kill sexual chemistry. The recent controversy of sex therapist Bettina Arndt’s – an exposé of the bedroom lives of 98 couples – not only backed up the idea that Aussie couples are doing it less often, but laid most of the blame at our side of the bed. Arndt’s conclusion? Women simply need to say “Yes” more often. Truth is, we’d all like ruder, tinglier, rip-my-knickers-off-right-now sex. But, as the years go by it seems less likely that it’ll happen with the same man you share a mortgage with. The good news is you don’t have to run off with the Kings of Leon to get your fantasy sex life. We grilled the experts on how to get wetter than Niagara Falls (again) with the guy you already love. Once upon a time you wanted to ease his jockeys down with your teeth; now you’re pegging them on the washing line. You know what they say about familiarity. According to Esther Perel, a New York couples therapist, love thrives on security, familiarity and intimacy, but carnal desire blossoms on uncertainty, insecurity, mystery, longing and absence. But how do you create lust in between bitching about your day at work? Perel says the best time to fall in lust with your partner is when you’re observing him at a distance, like when he’s jogging up the beach with his surfboard, playing guitar, or being flirted with by a hot redhead at your cousin’s wedding. Next time you’re at a party together watch him from a distance. Notice the way he talks to other people, the way other women warm to him, the way he glances over to make sure you’re not being cornered by his creepy uncle. Or check him out while he’s at soccer practice. “It’s when you bring new energy back into the relationship that desire keeps flourishing,” says Perel. “Introducing emotional space and excitement creates tension and leaves us feeling vulnerable, which fuels the lust.” Aussies are having sex 106 times a year, or roughly twice a week, according to the 2006-2007 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey. And, if you’re in a LTR you’ll know that “roughly” is the key word here. It’s OK to have ebbs and flows, but too little sex just ain’t good for you. For starters, the health benefits of doing it more often are well documented: you’ll look four to seven years younger, improve your immune system, decrease your chances of cancer and heart disease, trim your waistline (burning between 630 to 2100 kilojoules per session) and decrease stress. Plus the sensation of touch can alleviate depression. And putting it back on the agenda can also keep you from Splitsville. “When two partners are confident, adventurous and secure in themselves and each other, in and out of the bedroom, they develop a sense of deep security through trust and communication, so they feel desired and desirable,” says Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, sexologist and author of Spicy Sex. “And when you’re both satisfied and happy with your sex life it means you go out into the world lovers and allies. After all, that’s what keeps you both hot for each other.” So don’t kid yourself it’s OK to drop the sex ball permanently. Shake up the routine There was a time when you were so hot for each other you’d skip Underbelly and do intriguing things with Mars bars. But it’s like any routine: do it enough and you’ll learn to use shortcuts. “Couples develop a sexual road map to what turns each other on,” explains Dr Morrissey. “But sex can get boring when you make love the same way, over and over.” The good news is you don’t have to flip your sexual style 180 degrees. Arndt says that even the act of writing a sex diary started up a sex discussion among the couples who participated in research for her book and that was often the thing that fixed the problem. The trick is to maintain the affection and, yes, the groping outside of the bedroom. “Every sexual activity is as valuable as penetrative sex – foot massages, hair stroking while watching TV, brushing up against each other in the kitchen all work to fire up the libido,” says Dr Morrissey. And that also means shifting sex (and that doesn’t mean just shagging) away from the bedroom, as according to Dr Morrissey, doing it in new places means your body is less likely to follow familiar routines. So if you’re having early morning sex in a tent on a camping trip, getting bent over the kitchen bench, or he secretly has his hand in your undies at a dinner party, it’s hard to follow set bedroom routines.